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Members of the Phillips household disclosed yesterday that first lady Michelle Obama was spotted methodically grazing the skin of her neck with the point a full-sized carrot while staring with wide, unwavering eyes at Thomas Phillips, age 9, as he reached for a Pepsi Cola.
“The American obesity epidemic is growing, and it is our duty as mothers, fathers, mentors and role models to promote fun and healthy eating,” Michelle Obama stated, before making a slashing noise with her throat as Phillips’ hand hovered above a liter bottle of Pepsi. “All we need are fresh vegetables, healthy portion sizes and the motivation to get the message out to every family in America to combat and reverse this trend together,” she concluded, baring her teeth and shaking her head back and forth as Phillips moved his hand confusedly towards a jar of fluffed marshmallow.
When Phillips slowly began relocating his hand to a nearby bowl of raw broccoli, the first lady allegedly high-fived him and yelled “TOGETHER,” before she backflipped to the nearest elementary school where she stood behind the cafeteria counter and discussed the importance of healthy school lunch programs with each child while pointing at them aggressively with a large zucchini.
