How to Deal with Narcissists in the Workplace

Co-authored by Lily Zheng, MA

Last Updated: May 21, 2023 References

If you work in a high-powered, competitive industry, you may have a narcissist on your team or in your office. A narcissist is someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and many narcissists may have an inflated sense of self-worth, feel superior to others, or exaggerate their own talents and accomplishments. If your boss or colleague is a narcissist you will have to learn to work with this person. First of all, pick up tricks to get along with and problem-solve with a narcissistic coworker. Give them tasks where their strengths can be put to good use. Then, implement strategies to care for yourself.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Along with the Narcissist

1. 1
   Thank them for their ideas and carry on. It can be hard to hear over and over again from your coworker that they have the best concept for a new project, or how you should really work with them to improve your skills. Rather than trying to get them to stop, take the passive route. Express your gratitude for their help and keep moving.

   • You might say, “That sounds like a great idea. I'll think about that” or “Hmmm…I didn't look at it that way. Thanks for sharing your perspective.”
2. 2
   Give them tasks that match their strengths. Narcissists are known for being egomaniacs. You can use their high-confidence for the benefit of your team or office. Say, “You're such a persuasive speaker, Jan. Why don't you close the deal?”

   • Get the narcissist to pitch to clients. Have them take the lead on presentations. These people love to be in the spotlight, so use that to everyone's advantage.
3. 3
   Be cautious of false flattery. As a rule of thumb, narcissists are self-absorbed and mainly out for themselves. They also lack empathy and have trouble relating to the emotional experience of others. What that means is they may manipulate you and have a hard time understanding why that's not okay.

   • Watch out for overly admiring compliments. If a narcissist strokes your ego, there's a chance they want something from you. Your response to them should be quick and subdued. Say a quick "Thank you," and move on. Don't allow them to continue their efforts.
4. 4
   Document your ideas. Narcissists have a tendency to hog the credit. To prevent this annoying characteristic from getting in the way of your work performance, be sure to note all your ideas on paper or through email. That way, you'll have clear proof that your idea was lifted when they try to claim it as their own. Additionally, keep proof of which tasks were assigned to you and which were delegated to your coworker so that they cannot blame their underperformance on you.

   • Consider sending an email after every meeting so that you can have documentation of what what discussed. This also allows you to add things that you want to discuss but may not have been able to say in the meeting because you were unable to get your point across due to the narcissist's need to dominate the discussion.
   • Keep the evidence in a file so that you can easily access it if you need to prove the work you've done.
5. 5
   Keep your personal life private. Narcissists are skilled at teasing out sensitive information to use against you later. Protect yourself by maintaining a detached, surface-level relationship with this person. No matter how genuine they seem, you will not be able to buddy up to them unless they have a purpose for you. Find emotional support elsewhere.

   • Make a list of safe topics to discuss with them, such as sports, weather, events in the news, and other mundane topics.
   • It's important that you maintain a pleasant working relationship with them, so interact with them in a friendly manner.
6. 6
   Deflect their attention-seeking. Narcissists crave attention, so it's common for them to try to get it from those around them. While you may indulge them occasionally to keep the peace, you need to set boundaries to keep them from dominating your time and eroding your sanity.

   • When you have a meeting with them, schedule it close to another meeting that you can use as an excuse to leave on time. Choose a meeting that is less formal so that you don't have the threat of looking bad at work hanging over your head.
   • Acknowledge what they are saying and move on without continuing the conversation. Say, “That's great!” “I'm glad to hear your idea was successful!” “At least it's almost Friday!” or “I hope it gets better.”
   • If you can, find a designated “escape” place to do your work on days that your narcissistic coworker is persistently bothering you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Resolving Conflict with a Narcissist

1. 1
   Maintain your composure and state your feelings. Losing your head with a narcissist won't be good for your health or your job. Don't enter into a conflict situation when you are upset. Give yourself a moment to cool off before talking with the narcissist. Then, lead with your feelings.

   • Narcissists have trouble deciphering others' emotions, so by starting with how you feel, you will put them off their game in order to get your point across.
   • For example, say, “I'm very disappointed that you went behind my back and met with our client. I thought we were going at this as a team. Can you explain yourself?”
2. 2
   Stay solution-focused. Narcissists have a pesky habit of talking about a problem like a broken record, and generally focusing on how they have been wronged. They tend to dwell on the issue without ever moving into the problem-solving phase. If you have to problem-solve with this person, know that you will be responsible for shifting the focus to solutions.

   • Avoid accusing the narcissist or dwelling on the problem. Just present some viable answers.
   • Once you start working on a solution, ignore any attempts they make to bring up the conflict again. Silence is the best option to get them to stop obsessing and move on.
   • If you have to redirect them to the solution, say, "I know that we disagree, and that's okay. Right now our time is best spent planning for the future."
3. 3
   Offer feedback sandwiched between compliments. A narcissist is deeply affected by any sort of criticism. If you must offer constructive criticism on their performance, do so with care. They may respond with anger or excuses. Alternatively, they may respond with subtle, passive-aggressive behavior after the fact.Try to ignore this as best as you can.

   • One method is delivering criticism in the sandwich method—that is, between two positive statements. For instance, you might say, “Joel, I noticed you have been working really hard this week. I realized that you submitted several reports in late. I need you to do better with sticking to the deadlines. Other than that, you performance has been terrific. Thanks.”
   • There's still a chance that their ears will skip over the bad part and only hear the highlights, but at least you will have gotten through it without an explosive reaction.
4. 4
   Try to stay on their good side. Even perceived slights can warrant total obliteration in a narcissist's eyes. They will pull out all the stops to sabotage your work reputation and leave your career in shambles. The sad thing is, with their superficial charm and ability to win over others, no one may believe you if you try to expose their dirty deeds. Just try to stay on their good side or off their radar completely.

   • While you should present yourself as assertive and confident, the point is to not preempt conflict with the narcissist. Be professional in your interactions and engage with them on a need-to basis.
   • For example, the narcissist might take it personally if they are overlooked for a promotion that you get. Knowing how envious and manipulative they can be, you might pull them aside and try to relieve any building tension, "Hey, Jamie, I know you wanted the promotion. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't get it. But I do hope this doesn't affect our work relationship moving forward."

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Caring for Yourself Emotionally

1. 1
   Develop a strong support group. Working with a narcissist can be draining. Balance your workdays by going home to people who value and support you. This may translate to coworkers with whom you are friendly, family members, non-work friends, or a significant other. Lift your spirits by making regular plans after work to be with people you care about and vice versa.
2. 2
   Build up your self-worth. Spending 40+ hours each week around someone who dominates conversations, exploits others, and constantly gloats can be a hit to your self-worth. It's easy to feel like you and other coworkers have faded into the background when a narcissist takes center stage. Counteract any threats to your self-esteem by reminding yourself of your positive attributes.

   • Make a list of your best traits. Place the list in your car visor or in your handbag or wallet. You can also keep a digital version in your phone. Review the list whenever you need reminding of why you are valuable and effective at your job, or at life, in general.
   • Engage in hobbies or activities that play to your talents and help you feel better about yourself. You could try a local sports league, art classes, volunteering, or anything else that makes you feel good.
3. 3
   Keep notes or evidence of any abuse. Even if you avoid being competitive with a narcissist, they may exaggerate a perceived slight that pits you against them. If a narcissist is waging war against you in the workplace, it's best to document everything. If this ever gains the attention of your boss, you want to be able to show proof of any abuse.

   • Save emails and notes of criticism or harassment. Ask other coworkers for eyewitness statements when they observe the narcissist playing dirty. This may be the only way to save your job if the narcissist decides to sabotage you.
4. 4
   Leave the workplace if your health and well-being are threatened. Working with a narcissist can create a toxic working environment for everyone nearby. If a narcissist has targeted you as their biggest competitor or is already starting to sabotage your work, you may feel as if your sanity is at risk. It may be best to switch departments or quit your job altogether. If you love your job, visit a mental health professional. They may be able to help you work on the issues you need to resolve to keep your job, or they can help you transition to a new one.

   • If you have adequately documented their misdeeds, you may stand a chance discussing the matter with your superiors. If not, they will likely present their best face and have the boss on their side.

Expert Q&A

• Question

  How can I address a coworker that's acting narcissistic?

  Lily Zheng, MA

  Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Consultant

  Expert Answer

  Find a time where you can privately talk to them. Try to communicate about how you're feeling without judging their character or motives.