As the A-Team remake hits the big screen, why not jump aboard their ludicrous van
There was one topic that divided the boys at my school, even more than whether you fancied Victoria Principal. As you sat astride your BMX, with Axel F playing in the background, you lived or died by your allegiance to one of four vehicles: the chopper from Airwolf, the General Lee from The Dukes Of Hazzard, KITT from Knight Rider or The A-Team's van.
Now, I watched all four shows religiously, but I have to say that KITT never did it for me. It was a 1982 Pontiac Firebird, which is a redneck muscle car often to be seen in real life with a massive phoenix decal on the bonnet. But on the show it was just black with a silly red light on the front and the voice of a peeved hairdresser.
The 1983 GMC Vandura cruises well at 70mph, it's got a high driving position and the interior is incredibly comfortable - all the things Americans still look for in cars
The General Lee I had a lot more time for. Another muscle car, this time a '69 Dodge Charger, it had the Confederate flag on the roof, an air-horn that played Dixie and, most importantly, Daisy Duke usually bending over somewhere nearby in her denim hot pants. I think my sister knew there was something up with the way I looked at Daisy, because she used to confiscate the remote control and switch over to Little House On The Prairie. That caused a few fights, I can tell you.
The original A-Team (with reporter 'Triple A')
For a while I was absolutely obsessed with Airwolf, which was essentially Knight Rider with a Bell 222 helicopter instead of a car. I really wanted to be the lead character, troubled war vet Stringfellow Hawke - surely the most Eighties name ever invented - who lived alone up a mountain with a cello, a dog and a super-helicopter. I totally identified with him.
Google informs me that the idea for Airwolf was developed from an episode of Magnum PI, which reminds me how mad I was about that show, too... You're probably getting the gist of this now: all my favourite shows were American, not British. Why is that? Well, partly it was the sun, guns and exploding shacks (always an exploding shack), but mostly it was the cars. While Bodie and Doyle were faffing around Docklands in a beige Capri built in Dagenham, the Yanks were charging down dusty Californian roads in massive-engined sports cars with brilliant paint jobs. At a time of dole queues, rain and Austin Allegros, those cars were a promise of a better life.
We're in a similar spot now - two years into a horrible recession with the real pain yet to come - so maybe it's good timing that there's a big-screen remake of The A-Team out this month. Of all the escapist American shows, The A-Team was my favourite. As you ran around the playground with your mates, holding a stick for a machine gun and trying to make the sound with your mouth (mine always came out more like a vacuum cleaner), you could choose between pretending to be HM 'Howling Mad' Murdoch, Face, BA Baracus or the leader, Hannibal.
The interior features four swivelling 'captain's chairs'
I've dressed as Hannibal today, but that's only because dressing as BA would have meant shaving my hair into a Mohawk, putting on four stone of muscle, wearing £300,000 worth of gold chains and being black. See, it was BA I always wanted to be. In fact, I once wrote to Mr T, who played him, to try to get him to come to my house. BA was strong, cool, didn't take no jibber-jabber from no fool, could fix anything and, most importantly, got to drive the van.
The A-Team's van was this, a customised 1983 GMC Vandura. You couldn't get them in this country. At various points the back held a full audio-surveillance suite, a working printing press, a wardrobe for Hannibal's disguises, and guns - always lots of guns. Sometimes it had a sunroof, sometimes not - once both within the same scene. I always thought it was black with a red stripe, but the bit above the red stripe was very dark silver, not black. The important thing was that BA drove it very fast, directly through shacks. Which would explode.
The wheel has a handle to aid one-handed steering
So what's it like in real life? I borrowed this one from a fan who bought a 1983 Vandura online and set about recreating his boyhood dream for his wedding day. I bet the missus loved that one. He imported four 'captain's chairs' and a three-seat bench from the U.S., had them upholstered in leather and gave it a spoiler, flared arches, red rims and a windscreen visor to make it identical to what BA drove - apart from the new DVD player. You can hire it, apparently.
I took it out for a spin and had my illusions shattered. The engine's a five-litre V8 like in all good American muscle cars, but it's not enough to shift this crate. You certainly couldn't do a wheelspin - apparently they used to spray bleach on the tyres to make them smoke.
The automatic transmission is doddery and can't handle even the mildest of hills. It coughs out blue smoke and guzzles petrol so quickly you might as well be pouring it out of the window. Its high sides get you blown all over the road in a gentle side wind.
On the plus side, it cruises well at 70mph, it's got a high driving position and the interior is incredibly comfortable - all the things that Americans still look for in cars. The modern equivalent is a GMC Savana, which now has all-wheel drive and can run on bio-ethanol, but still only manages 15mpg .
So what have I learnt from this little trip back in time?
Same thing I learnt when I drove the Ford Mustang, the Chevy Corvette and the other cars I used to idolise as a kid: these American icons look good, but none of them drive as well as your average modern hatchback. I'm sorry to report that some things, like kiss chase, are best left in the past.
Authentic details include Cooper Cobra wheels and Mud Flare wheel arches
DRIVE TALKING
What's hot on the road this week
THE PRICE IS RIGHT
Fiat has announced prices for its two newest hot hatches, available from July 17. The Abarth 500C, the convertible and therefore even cooler cousin of the Abarth 500, will start at £17,500, which gets you a 140bhp 1.4-litre engine, paddle-shift gearbox, xenon headlights and parking sensors as standard. The 165 bhp 1.4-litre Abarth Punto Evo (pictured), which can hit 60mph in 7.9 seconds and manage a decent 47mpg, will cost from £16,500.
MERC OF A MAN
Mecedes-Benz has released details of the next development of the CL, which will initially be available in two models: the comparatively frugal CL500 BlueEfficiency and the top of the range CL600, with a V12 bi-turbo that produces 512bhp. Both come loaded with luxury and safety options: infrared night cameras and speed limit recognition plus voice-activated multimedia systems.
HOME ON THE RANGE
The urbanisation of the archetypal country car continues with the Range Rover Evoque, a compact coupé available in two- or four-wheel drive versions. It's styled for the city, with sharply tapered headlights and eye-catching black and white bodywork. It's the most efficient Range Rover ever built, promising CO2 emissions below 130g/km.
By Chris Hall
